One of the most powerful ways in which fear is maintained is the negative self-talk that the child runs in his mind. The fearful child’s internal self-talk is saying, Something is dangerous and will hurt me. I must avoid being near it at all costs. Being near it is awful and I can’t bear to even think about it. I can’t cope. The child needs to learn the antidote to this negative self-talk – talking positively instead!

Positive self-talk is a very important skill for coping with fear or anxiety. You can use self-talk to program yourself to expect a positive outcome for a situation that could otherwise be scary .It is reassuring to talk yourself through each step as you confront something that frightens you.

Coping self-talk moves through four stages:
1. Fear-alert: ask yourself ‘what exactly is scary?’
2. Counter-defence: ask ‘what is true and rational?’
3. Positives: ask ‘what is positive and easy?’
4. Self-reward: congratulate yourself for coping.

For example: A child who has to present a talk in front of a class could use self-talk in this way:
1. ‘I’m going to be good today when I do my talk.
2. It is only to my teacher, who I know very well, and all my class friends really do want me to do well.
3 I really enjoyed all their talks. It is going to be very easy and I am going to enjoy it.’
4. I am a good presenter.

Caution: Teach your child that it’s best to use self-talk very softly or under your breath – some people might think you are a bit strange if they hear you doing it loudly! 

Top Tip for the Day

Self-talk and the darkness test

Please note: This is meant to be fun and done doing the daytime!

The ‘darkness test’ was designed to assess how long children could stand being in the dark alone. The parent puts the child through the test in the child’s own bedroom, saying something like this:

‘Go into your bedroom and sit or lie down on the bed. I’m going to turn the light out and you have to stay in the room as long as you can. If you get too scared, just come out. You can come out any time, but try and be as brave as you can. I’ll be just outside. Don’t call out. If you are scared, just open the door and come out.’

The test lasts for 180 seconds at the most. After the darkness test, children can rate how afraid they feel on the ‘fear thermometer’ – A scale of 1-10 where 10 is very scared.

Teach your child to use self-talk during subsequent darkness tests. For example:

1. Fear alert: ‘It’s scary in the dark. My fear thermometer says I am very scared. I’m at an 8! I want my Mum.’
2. Counter-defence: ‘Well, I’m OK really. Mum’s very close by. I’m safe.’
3. Look for positives: ‘This is a good time to relax my eyes. I’ll just close them.’
4. Self-reward: ‘Golly, I really am doing well. Mum will be proud of me. I’ll just wait for her.
Oh good, my fear thermometer is only at a 4 now!’